Couldn't Have Asked for a Better Date

So, finally, after all of the struggle and strife, we've started falling in love all over again. Yesterday, we had plans to go to the movies to see Saw VI. Things did not go as planned however. So, Kendall came over, we ordered some dominos pizza and wings, ate that, looked at vids on youtube, played my retro Nintendo 64 in which I murdered him 5 times in 007 GoldenEye, and Mario Go Kart... and let's just say, I am the champ. After that, we laid in bed, watched South Park, talked and fell asleep. And we all know my favorite place to be is right up under Kendall so it was a perfect nigght for me :) Love him so much

Just a Thought

Maybe this is inappropriate, but its my blog and if you don't like it, don't read it. I HAD THE MOST AMAZING SEX EVER LAST NIGHT.

That is all.

XoXo,

Tia

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Heart Wants What it Wants

I could shut out the entire world sometimes, even myself, but I can NEVER shut this man out. He is my everything. Flaws and All.

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Just a Quote...

"We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love"

Letting Go...

"You don’t need strength to let go of something. What you really need is understanding.”
                                                 ---Guy Finley

    That is something I am now learning. Certain relationships I’ve had with people have stuck with me for long periods of time. They’ve taught me so much; opened my eyes to unseen realities. Some of them are a large part of what made me who I am today. That being said, when I was younger than I am now, I thought that people who came in your life, stayed there forever. Then the people who claimed they loved me most started doing things to hurt me and break my heart; and with much hesitation, I had to cut them loose. So I started learning that some people only come for seasons while some are here to stay for my lifetime. I’ve stopped worried about who’s here for what and just learning to live in the moment. Love the people for who they are and be attentive to the lessons they have been sent to teach. The entire Kendall situation is a learning lesson in itself. I don’t know what his position in my life is anymore. He started out as a friend, ended as my lover; and I just wonder if we’ll ever be able to go back to being friends because he is a phenomenal friend. I love him to death and I am terrified out of my mind that I’ll lose him for good. But maybe that’s what is supposed to happen. Maybe I need to shift my perspective and look through new lenses. Stop seeing the world through my broken heart and start looking with a clear brain. I’ve already let him go; we’ve been “separated” for months now, but I can’t actually “let go.” And I don’t want to. So what is it that I’m not understanding?

Updates on My Love Life...

u kno where i'm from, and u kno what i'm on, so how would u find another if i never had a clone, just because u called and i ain't answer the phone, don't mean that the love is gone, boo i'm still comin home, i'm just off into my zone, writin another song, hopin i get acknowledgement next to this microphone, haven't had the time to come polish off ur throne so the kingdom is corrupted ur heart is injury prone, my head is completely gone, but if u read between the lines, even if it takes some time, It's my heart that u will find, and i promise that if u hit the button and rewind, u could detect every syllable and never catch a lie, by the time that you done i pray u don't feel treated wrong, i just need a little money, but not for you to leave me alone (a loan)...

So, all of that up there was sent to me by the one and only Kendall last night, around 10:30. You know we've been apart for two months now, I think?? I try not to count the days. We've spent some time together, and we've talked about things, and who knows what's coming next? However, I do love him so... I wish love weren't as difficult as this biology class I'm taking.... 

Did You Miss Me???

Hey Ladies!!! I've been M.I.A. for a long period of time just learning to deal with my emotions and all of the negative things resounding inside of me. I've been reading books, lots of books. Not doing nearly as much writing as I should have been, but it's all good. I'm becoming a woman in love with myself. For me, its been a long, scary road, but I can see the end and its very bright! I'm almost ready to crawl out of my cave and stun the world with my dazzling brilliance! Are you ready for it???

School starts September 2nd and I am very excited! My new job starts September 8th. I am working for Americorp and the Boys & Girls club helping with early literacy. I am going to get a group of 6 or 7 kids in grades K4-grade 3 and individually help them in the areas of reading and writing. And I am so super excited. I am ready to attempt to give back and help these children with a skill that is so vital to succeeding in the academic world.

I'm single. Not necessarily happily single, but I am. And I'm taking that day by day too. Its all a learning process.

What's new with you all?

   ~ I'm learning to smile through the tears ~

The Definition of Kendall

So, of course I love him but nobody knows him like I do. So I thought I would break it down for you and define Kendall. hope you like :)

clear all judgment
allow me to remove the wool from your eyes.
here stands a man who has turned his back on the wall, gone against the grain, and beat all his odds.
no.
he couldn't just be my black man,
he had to be THE black man to set the much needed example for the community of his mentally dead peers
not emotionally bound by his fears,
he has taken leaps far greater than most ever dared to dream.
looks aint what they seem,
they're pretty deceiving.
because the color of his skin to some is misleading
according to society,
he should be dead, or in jail,
barely alive
beneath the radar
because his lack of formal education means he's nothing to worry about.
wrong.
he is society's worst fucking nightmare,
because he is young, gifted, and black.
and a man at that.
not content to fade into the background,
he made his hometown his stomping ground.
using his words to incite riots and create a revolution that isn't televised
but terrifies america anyway because people still realize.
he takes food out of his own mouth to feed the more needy.
and for this he has been one of the most vital to me.
offering helping hands when he doesn't have one to call his own.
you need a place to rest your head,
he's offering his home.
despite his shortcomings,
he's far from a disgrace.
his achievements and his kisses make a smile light up my face
he...
makes the bad man look a whole lot worse...

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Sighhh....

I am hopelessly in love with Kendall Hayes aka Haz3. There's no beating around the bush on that one. Every single detail of his life intrigues me and every single thing that makes up who Kendall Hayes is, well I absolutely adore them. I can't apologize enough for breaking his heart. But what I can do is get in touch with Tia, fix myself, and return to him as a better woman. With all of this mess that is going on, he's been here to help me. I've broken his heart in more wayys then I care to remember and his number was the first one I dialed and he picked up on the first ring. Offered me his bed and the last 17 dollars in his pocket. Mmmmm.... when I woke up this morning, he was standing there with a towel wrapped around his waist and water dripping down his chest. He was searching for clothes to get ready for work, and I was peeping his nakedness... thinking... and wanting. But, I didn't get up and jump his bones like I so badly wanted to, I just laid there until he was done and then asked for a kiss. Which he gave me :) And today, even though the bullshit in my life is still the same, I am walking arround with a smile on my face. Thank you Mr. Hayes

Letter to My Soul

Dear Soul:

you ignite the fireworks to my soul. nobody else can convey a single act of love of the greatest romance never written with just one kiss.

That is all.

XoXo,

Tia

Tia in KendallLand No More

I lied. I don’t know what to do. I’ve exposed myself for the immature, selfish woman that I really am on the inside, and I managed to chase my fiancée away. Excuse me, ex-fiancee. He wants nothing more to do with me, and I can’t blame him. The constant back and forth I put him through, the huge arguments over the most trivial of things, he was bound to get tired of me and flush me down the toilet like the unnecessary shit I was bringing to his life. But, I suppose I can’t complain. Things haven’t been the same for awhile, and that’s part of my reason for being an absentee blogger lately. The fights have worsened, the words have stung, but the silence is what broke my heart. I think that, the love is still there, because I still feel very strongly about him, but we may no longer be in love with each other. That excitement has drained out of the relationship. We’ve settled into this boring routine, and there would always be the fact that he’s leaving me here in the midst of all that is wrong to go stick his toes in the Florida beaches. I believe that would have created resentment on my behalf at some point down the line. So maybe, this break up is what’s best. Granted, my heart does not feel that way at all, I know that all things happen for a reason. And besides, when it rains it pours. So, I’m going through all of this terrible shit in my life (i.e. my father getting sicker, not being able to go to school, etc.) what harm would it do to slap on a break up with my fiancée? These are some pretty big raindrops.

Every time I try to get up out of this hole I seem to have dug for myself, life just knocks me right back down and shovels in more dirt. Life’s a bitch. We don’t seem to be on good terms lately. Kendall was my best friend and is probably the only person to know my deepest, darkest secrets that reside in the darkest places of my mind. For the last four years, he has been my comfort zone, my pillow, my lover, my heart, my friend, my poet, my everything; and to let go of that, well, it hurts. How do you make yourself physically move forward, when you’re emotionally attached to the past? I know I should move on. I’m actually glad this all happened BEFORE he moved. That could have killed me emotionally, removing all chances of me ever really loving again. But I know I will bounce back from this. Besides, it’s not his fault.

I cannot throw a “I Hate Kendall Party” and break out the wine and ice cream. I am fairly capable of throwing a “I Hate Myself for Messing Up Such a Good Thing Party” but since September of 2007, I’ve been working on loving me through all of my mistakes so that’s kind of out of the question. The only thing left for me to do is pick up the pieces and move along. I could spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, months even analyzing this situation and where things went wrong, but why dwell on it and stress myself when there is nothing I can do to change it? it’s going to be hard, indeed, but, we all learn to live with our mistakes. This is one of the more terrible mistakes I’ve made in regards to my future and happiness, but I’ll be okay and in no time, I’ll be back to being Tia Love, blogging, writing, and reading, maybe even with a genuine smile on my face.

XoXo,
Tia

                                       "I guess I'll see you next lifetime..."

How Did He Get Her?

People always ask me, or ask Kendall rather, how did her end up with me. How did Kendall, the nerd, and game freak pictured here

end up with Tia, also a nerd, but so freakin delicious looking?

       I say it has nothing to do with looks, although in my eyes, Kendall is the most gorgeous thing to walk the Earth and I am the lucky one. Most don't feel the same, but what the hell do they matter? Anyway, when people ask me this question, I always get this dreamy far away look on my face, and I go back. Remember: "one kiss is all it took to know." To me, Kendall is more than just a nerd. He is more than just the guy who can play an entire PS3 game in one night. He is a poet, a man who makes love to the mic and the page to create the most beautiful word symphonies, and I want to share with you some of what he has written for me, and then maybe, you can begin to understand how the nerd got the hot chick!

"

"

Let it flow, get relaxed, don't get too excited cause we aint even start yet

Let me nibble your panties off until they fall to the carpet

Exposing your most intimates and I'll nibble it until your juices start to drip from it

Take my tongue on a tour from your toes to your earlobes

You're the guide, steer my head and my tongue follow your orders as if you were in a restaurant waiting to be served

But I'm the only one indulging in your body's chocolate caramel delicacies, satisfying your every need

To the point where you're so pleased, all of my exes could tell it was me

But you are the only one who gets the privilege at this point in time, so i . . .

Moisten your insides with mines, until your body language suggests that I have pleased you for enough time

But this wont happen until every millimeter of your body has been tasted and stimulated by the self-proclaimed

"Greatest at it"

And if I'm not the greatest at it, I'm still the total package and since I'm complete I know that I'm at least above average"

--cantdenydatruth 11/19/05

" Mature as a grown woman, the body of a goddess
      Had her goals set always in search of knowledge
      I never had to open my wallet to impress her
      Every time I tried to kiss her she’d lose her breath first
      And if any man did anything other than respect her
      I might have to lose my cool and break his neck first
      Things my boo would do could influence dudes
      To prove just who loves her like a do, but I’m exclusive
      And she’ll never depart from me
      In her love is where my heart will be
      Puttin a whole new view on for better or worse
      If beauty had a last name, it would probably be her first
      I’m not in heaven just in love with an angel"

-cantdenydatruth 12/25/05

just some of the many reasons why i'm not going ANYWHERE.

Me and Kendall

Fiancee and I have been trying to collaborate on a piece for some time now. I'm not sure, but this is a beginning that we started Sunday afternoon after.... well, you know (insert blush here)

Tell me what you think! (his words are in light orange, mine are the turqoise)

Blank . . pages
Empty mental spaces
Filled with doubt
Needing a detox because I have no clue how to flush this shit out
If only my physical would embrace my spiritual just a little more
This reflection wouldn’t be as imperfect as before
Mind flooded with images, but none of them seem to fit the bigger picture
And I can’t even afford a frame big enough to fit that in
Edges worn
Showing signs of emotional wear and tear
I bear it all, until I’m barely conscious
Barely breathing or seeing where my next step is laid
Confused
I no longer understand what I am fighting for
Or maybe what I was fighting against was myself
Strong black silhouette plastered against the wall
Shadow . . boxing
Internal conflict resolves nothing when each opponent is equally matched
Tale of the tape marks cloned statistical data
That only enhances the chance of this going until the death
No judges or refs to decide when there has been too much punishment
Only me…
Against me
I am my own worst enemy
And unless I raise my arms in defeat
Surrendering with that white flag
Then this will not cease
But I just so happen to be a stubborn muthafucka
Won’t stop until I win
But victory may be within my own downfall
Beaten and broken is what I want to see
Deceased spirit
Muted mind
With a perfectly intact physical

Itunes Playlist: On-the-GO 11

so here i sat, listening to one of the playlists on my ipod and every single song conjured up a thought of kendall, and this is what i wrote. hope u enjoy!


being with you used to be like moving mountains
but in you i now see my halo and i'm no longer lost and confounded
because back in those days
when this was just a teenage love affair
you said that you would love me until the end of time
and i just knew that you were mine
and you would always be my baby
and no one could ever take your place
its like when we touch we make the music for love
and this one heartless girl is reunited and it feels so...damn...good
back then i wanted you to be my boo
when you wanted not one but two
but I finally understood that you were my butterfly and i had to let you go
i couldn't force you to stay because the way that i loved you
and your love for me were opposites
so i had to let you go and breathe without no air until you came back
and you promised me that no matter what you would always be in love with me
and i will always be in love with you
your love is my drug so i just sit back, relax and catch a contact
you got me so high baby
and i dont care how many times we go to bed mad
i will never lie to you
and no matter how much of my own i have
i'll always want you right there next to me
i've been losing my ground lately and expecting you to flee in the process
but you've stayed and left me speechless like...that one time ... :)
i'm welcoming you now with arms open wide
because your love you dont hide
and you've saved me from myself
people might say being in love with you is dangerous
i just shake them off because you are my all
i'd give my all just for that day when u say...
let's get married.

Cheating: To Forgive or Not

So, last year, around my birthday, Kendall cheated on me. Yes, I went through every emotion that you can imagine. Hate, anger, hurt, heartbreak, feeling stupid, feeling incompetent, all of them. But in the end, I settled on unbridled anger and betrayal and left him feeling worse than scum on the bottom of my shoe. As a woman who has a way with words, I made sure he understood how much of a sack of crap he was plus some. And then I walked out on him. Left him hanging with a broken heart knowing that he had done the unthinkable to me. I couldn’t believe that after all we had been through, he had cheated. And for the most senseless fucking reasons. It was a friend/co-worker that I had me before, which made it worse because I could put a face to this name he had given me. This bitch, had smiled in my face, told me how much she admired our relationship. And the minute I hop on a plane to go visit my best friend in Atlanta, he slips and sticks his dick in her. I know. Un-fucking-believable. So you see, I had to leave. There was no wrapping my mind around the concept. And I had to say the things I said without ever taking them back. He had to know how much he had hurt me.

So, four months later, Kendall comes crawling back on all fours. Laying out the last four months of his life in plain detail for me to see. By then, I had started to miss him miserably, but had filled my days with school and work. There was no time to reminisce on the past. So, we talked, and we talked, and we talked some more. And I made the decision to forgive him. Not too many of my friends agreed with the decision, except for my male friends. And this is probably because they got tired of me telling them how much I missed him. I didn’t care either way. I had my man back. And regaining trust was hard, but, I did it. And now we’re here, engaged to be married soon.

But, I received some disturbing news this morning about the other bitch. Apparently, Kendall and OB are still friends. NOT COOL. I told him when we got back together that she had to be out of the picture for good or I was leaving. I don’t care if it was just a one time thing or whatever excuses he can come up with, I don’t trust the bitch and I don’t trust him around her. I went out on a limb to forgive him in the first place and to go back on your word and still talk to this bitch? Not a good idea. We saw her at an open mic a few months after we got back together, and she had the nerve to ask him if he wanted her to buy him a drink. She was bold to step to us in the first place, but I quickly put her in her place and let her know that I had a strong desire to kick her ass from here to Mexico and to test me, would be crucial to her physical health so back the fuck off. She seems to have got the message, but how stupid do I look if he still wants to be friends with her? Even if they’re just facebook friends and she wants to comment on his statuses and stuff, I don’t want to see her name anywhere near what belongs to me. Ever.
So what should I do? What would you do?

XoXo,
Tia

Journal Entry #1

We talked. I told him about my demons. Most of them. I want to sit down and tell him aboul all of them, get them off of my shoulders, but I am afraid I will become a complete nutcase in his eyes. So I have to be content with the fact that he knows that I hate myself for the abortion. For now. Besides, that is the most pressing issue in the relationship. My childhood nightmares that turned out to be more fact than fiction are not stopping me from loving myself completely so that I can love him the way he deserves to be loved.

I always get real confused and muddled when I try to make sense of my decision at that time. Here I am, loving this man with all that i have. Giving him 100% of me while receiving his 150% in return. I love him mind, body, and soul. So why did I make the decision to lay on that cold table and let the doctor snatch his child from me? The man that I would give anything for, the man that I adore; I placed his baby in death's hands with my heartless decision. So, now I have to sit everyday and wonder what if? I yearn for a child with him now more than ever, but we don't take it that far because that would just be backwards.

I have no clue how to heal this pain and grow a permanent scar, it can only scab. And that scab is ripped to pieces every time I hear a baby's laughter or look into the innocent, smiling eyes of a child. When I hear a baby's cry, my heart is wounded and I realize that I am a bad person.

He sees me in a different light though. He loves me and I ffind it hard to accept that love because in that mirror I see a demonic creature and demons don't deserve love.

How do I heal that? How can I move forward?

Tia Love

Leaving It All on the Stage... Oops, I mean Page

I Love Kendall M. Hayes. He is my best friend. My confidant. My comforter. My brilliant, shining star. My poet (who knows it), my lover. My Fiancee. He is to me what the sun is to the Earth. And I wish you all could know him. To know him is to have known a leader focused on keeping the hope alive. To hear him speak is to have heard the most melodic sounds not created by Beethoven. To hear him perform his poetry, is to have fallen in love with him and spent the following hours making love to him in bed (wait, I think thats just me!)

Oh, how I love my Kendall. But we are in a rocky, rocky place. He is most likely going to be moving to Florida in a few months. It hurts. I am so used to seeing my booo-thang at least two days out of the week. I can't imagine having to wait months to see him. As I mentioned before, he is my best friend, Webcamming and emails, are nice, but I don't think they will suffice. What am I supposed to do without my sun? Live in eternal darkness.

And then there is the past that we share. Some of our history isn't written to glorify and romanticize us. We've been through some pretty horrifying shit that would leave most couples torn apart. But, we believe in the power of love. I would like to share some of these things with you ladies to get it off of my chest and move forward. How can I walk down the aisle to meet him at the altar if everything from the past is holding me down?

So, here is where I will be laying down all of the cards for you to see. Judge me or not, I do not really care. But this is my therapy, and maybe my stories will help stop other women from suffering so much.

XoXo,

Future Mrs. H