Victory May Be Within My Own Downfall

A few weeks ago, I had a mental break down. This is the main reason why you beautiful ladies haven’t heard from me. I spare you the gruesome (not so gory) details of what happen and simplify it all: there were pills and a trip to the mental health institution involved. While sitting in the loony bin, I spoke with a psychiatrist. He confirmed that it’s not my mental health that’s the problem; my emotional health is basically what caused everything.  He offered to put me on anti-depressants but I turned that down. It seems to me that those would only cover up the problem instead of fixing it, and I’ve been doing enough of that. It’s time to do emotional inventory and purge myself of everything negative. Putting the pieces back together has been a really hard thing for me to do. The first step I had to do was stop lying to the people closest to me and let them in on how bad things really were for me. Kendall already knew most of it, but my father had no idea, and his look of confusion with the fire department showed up at our house that night confirms that fact. My best friends didn’t know anything. That had been there for some of my traumatic experiences, but they didn’t know to what extent these things affected me. So, I opened myself up to them. Ripped the scabs off and exposed all of my scars. I told them that I was on a journey to become whole again and I wouldn’t be able to do it without their love and support. And what do you know? There was no passing of judgment or angry pinches, just hugs and love. What I needed.

So, after admitting to myself and others that I have a problem, I’ve been spending most of my days confronting my issues. Bringing them from the dark recesses of my mind to the front to be handled and tossed out of my mind. Instead of acting like none of these things happened, I have to confront it head on, understand that it didn’t get the best of me because I’m still here. I have loads to be thankful for and that’s what I look to when I’m weighed down by the negativity in my mind. I’ve been working on seeing the positive in every situation: yeah, I was raped (which is a truly horrific thing for anyone to have to go through) but I’m still alive and breathing to tell my story. Some victims don’t get that chance. No, I don’t have a job nor do I know how I’m going to pay my phone bill and credit card bill at the end of this month,  but I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, and food to put in my stomach when it starts rumbling. A lot of people without jobs, especially in the time of this recession, are homeless. So, I’m learning to be thankful for what I have, however small it may be. I’m finding positive in every negative so the weight of my thoughts don’t drag me under.

It’s not going to be easy, but the end results will be worth it. So I ask you all to bear with me. I’m ready to become a whole person again.

XoXo,

Tia